Saturday, April 18, 2009

Frozen in Time (and a bit more)

What is it about watching your own child sleep that is so mesmerizing? Lately I find myself lingering near Antalya long after she's already asleep, frozen in place by her beauty and innocence. Maybe it's the knowledge that another baby is coming to our home that has me wanting to enjoy these quiet moments all the more. It's amazing to me the transformation that happens when her eyes close. When she is awake there is nothing baby about Antalya. She's my little girl that is getting bigger and more independent with every day, but as soon as her eyes close, she becomes my little baby again - even her features change so that to me she looks just the same as the little bundle I would rock to sleep in the hospital. I wonder if it will always be like that?

On another note, I'm sorry I deleted my post. As soon as I realized that it just made people wonder if I was alright I decided to take it down. Yes, I'm fine. The last several months have been somewhat of a roller coaster ride and some days I feel like I can't take it anymore - yesterday was one of those days. But I felt like it was all too long and complicated to try to put in a blog post. I will try to sum up quickly what has been going on in our little corner of the world. We have been managing a family business for the past 4 years (the storage unit facility). Several months ago the right offer came along, and the family decided to sell the business. The timing was perfect for us, because we were feeling anxious to do something else and move into a larger home (four of us in a one bedroom apartment just seemed like more than I could handle). So although it is a good thing, and I am grateful for it, it has been a crazy ride trying to decide what to do with our lives, since the sale would leave us unemployed and without a home. It seems like as soon as we would come up with a plan and start moving towards it, something would change that would leave us hanging again. We have some things in the works right now, but we are still about a month away from being able to nail down our final plans. So the wait continues. The sale closes next week and it is up to the new owners if they will let us stay on here for a couple more months, or if they want us gone. So, maybe we will still be here when the baby is born, or maybe we will be doing a last minute move into one of parent's houses next weekend to stay until the pieces all come together and we can begin our next adventure. So with my urge to start nesting, I am torn behind the question of should I start packing to move, or should I pull out the baby stuff in preparation for her arrival. I promise to keep you posted as soon as we know what is going on.

What put me over the top yesterday was my decision to transfer my prenatal care from the midwife I've been seeing to an OB. There's no major concerns with the pregnancy, just a few things that have come up that make me feel like I need to make the switch. But the question was how do I find an OB that I like and trust when I am already in my last trimester. After lots of thought, I decided this morning to go back to the doctor that delivered Antalya. I would trust her in any situation, and respect her opinions and finally decided that all that justified the hour drive to her office. So while I'm a little disappointed that once again, my labor and delivery won't be exactly how I want it to be, I feel good about my decision (I'm sure more of my thoughts on this will be coming in a post soon).


Jan said...

You're such a good writer!!! Sorry I missed the post you deleted. It was fun to get together yesterday.

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toni said...

I totally get you with the baby thing. I find myself not wanting to put P down after he falls asleep in my arms. I think of living in the moment and there's nothing I'd rather be doing than holding that sweet spirit, for those moments will be gone before we know it. I would stare at her all day! Enjoy, and good luck. Tell me when you want me over to help pack and clean!