When Antalya was born I was convinced that coming to terms with the fact that she had Down syndrome would be a single event. That one day I would wake up and it would no longer be an issue, that I wouldn't wonder what she would be like if she didn't have an extra chromosome. These past three years have taught me that it's not quite that black and white. Every new phase presents a new coming to terms with the struggles she and I face. With the birth of Victoria and the move across the ocean we entered a new phase. I'd be lying if I didn't say it has been a very difficult one.
Most days I find myself wondering how many different ways of communicating "no" it will take before Antalya understands. Or wishing I could just understand her attempts at speech to prevent the tantrums. Every day seems to be a replay of the previous - trying to correct the same bad behaviors, trying to explain the same things. It's hard to not look at other three year olds and wonder what it would be like if Antalya could talk in sentences, if she could tell me how she felt, if I could explain and reason with her.
But then I have moments where none of that matters. Moments that I am overcome with her purity and innocence. And I am reminded that she was sent her to teach me to be more patient, more kind, more loving. To teach me to live more in the moment and not be so concerned about everything else. Moments that I see my daughter for who she is and all she is capable of. In these moments all the frustration melts away and I just want to hold her in my arms.